Psychoanalyzing the Bachelorpad

To talk to an associate through AIM, I forgot to turn off the auto-website loading feature. So when AIM loads up, it sends me to some bizzaro-world chick webpage (apparently, the AOL Singles Page). I shook my head looking at the ‘bachelorpad’ article.

The most annoying attribute of Western women is how any little thing you do or have is psychoanalyzed. If you say, “I am happy,” they won’t believe you. They will instead look at your shoes and think, “You are happy because you are wearing nice clean sneakers.” Huh?

In the old days on Sosuave, I am sure many young men would look at this article and re-arrange their lives to have the ‘plus points’ of such a bachelor’s pad. But remember the Pookish First Commandment: you have to be yourself. If you fall into the trap of re-orientating your life to appear well in woman’s eyes, you are giving women extroadinary power over your life.

Let’s go through this ‘psychoanalyzation’ of the bachelorpad:

What to Look for? – House/Condo: Before you even enter his place, you can get a sense of a person if rents or owns — with ownership he’s probably establishing roots. Does he live in a high-rise? One with a doorman? If the doorman eyes you over one too many times when you ask to be buzzed up, chance is he’s used to seeing the ladies coming and going. Hint — Revolving door!

A doorman!? Maybe I’ve been away from the city too long, but since when do all these areas have doormen for them? I’m not talking popular restaurants but living areas. I’m sure a New Yorker would tell me, “Duh, Pook, everyone has a doorman!” Apparently so as this article seems to suggest it.

So if you don’t have a doorman, then something is wrong with you guys.

Also, it can make more financial sense to rent than own. With everyone wanting to get rich by becoming landlords, there is much competition for tenants. “Sure! I volunteer to be a renter!” With everyone wanting to own everything, I’d go the opposite since renting prices will become more competitive. Too many people bought into the ‘real estate’ get-rich-quick bug so why not take advantage of it financially?

I’ve tried telling women this, but I might as well talk to a chicken. It clucks back just the same.

– The Neighborhood: Feel safe leaving your car out front? If not, chance is you won’t be comfortable visiting with him in the future either.

OK. This one seems straightforward enough. But why would anyone require an article to tell them the obvious?

– Pets: It’s fine if a dog greets you at the door — provided it isn’t a poodle or a Pomeranian. A cat, though, you might want to think twice.

I don’t own any pets. I could see how it would be strange if the guy had a… rooster or something in his place. That IS unusual. And maybe a french poodle would be little odd too. But what is with the cat? A cat is a common animal. What is wrong with a guy owning a cat? I must have missed something that went up on the Woman’s Network about this. Is a guy owning a cat mean he’s effeminate or gay or something?

– Chinese Carry-Out: It’s fine for a guy to eat out occasionally, but it’s different when his sole meal source is Special No. 9. Practice up on your cooking skills since you’ll be the designated chef in this relationship.

Shouldn’t the cooking skills be ‘practiced up’ already? Oh, I am so silly! I thought a real woman would already have excellent cooking skills.

– Fresh Vegetables: Bingo! You have a man who not only eats healthy, but he knows how to cook too. Vegetables stay fresh for only so long so this guy is probably visiting the local market twice a week.

I swear… you have a meal with a woman and she psychoanalyzes your entire life by what is in your plate or in your refrigerator. Instead of doing something like… TALKING to the guy, she is ‘psychoanalyzing’. Bah!

– Milk: It’s all about the expiration date. Milk does a body good as long as it hasn’t turned into a lab culture. Expired milk can only mean more dirty things to come. Did I say bathroom shower?

If a guy has expired milk, he is obviously a rascal and probably a villian to boot. I am sure if someone notice expired milk in Hitler’s refrigerator, long ago, there would be no Third Reich. Thank goodness for this article!

– Stemware: Guys tend to focus on the bottle of wine — not really how to serve it. Stemware, instead of tumblers, gets a silver star. Blown crystal, instead of machine cut, is an automatic gold star! Hint — Feel the stems for a machine cut seam.

Feel the stems!? Come on! I bet if I looked through the historical archives, I could find this tone and similiar advice given to princesses and royalty. Apparently, this is what these girls think they ought to be.

– Brands: This guy still drinking rail vodka? That was fine for college, but you want to make sure he has graduated to adulthood. He doesn’t have to have Courvoiser, but he should have a couple basics for entertaining.

All this nonsense is putting an artificial template on what a guy ‘ought’ to be. And none of this stuff really matters. What if they guy doesn’t drink at all? What if he doesn’t entertain in such a fashion? It is important for guys (and girls) to be who they are. This is impossible with stupid articles like this telling girls what is ‘proper’. Being an adult has nothing to do with what type of brand you have.

– No Liquor: Even if he doesn’t drink, he should definitely have something on hand if he entertains. Dry is fine, but what about the guests?

I don’t know about you guys, but I treat my home to service me, not “guests”. And why do women these days have such fascination with liquor? Liquor was interesting… until I turned thirteen.

If you like wine/beer/whiskey/whatever, wonderful! If you do not, then don’t drink it! The only stupid thing is to drink it for an ‘image’. When I exited a modern art museum in Dallas (don’t ask), I saw the workers set up a table and drink red wine right in the middle of the museum (with the little pinky finger extended). Apparently, they believe they are so… sophisticated, that such wine is required for being in presence of all their modern art. Who knows.

– TV: A flat screen means this guy is up on the latest gadgets and he has a good job to afford it. Check out the screen size since the bigger the screen the more likely your Monday nights will be spent watching football.

This I know to be untrue. Poorest people I know spend the most on their home theater. They think investing is too expensive but have no problem plopping thousands for a larger television and more speakers (which they probably can’t tell the difference anyway).

But in Woman’s Universe, your TV defines your wallet and all your free time. Please.

– VCR: This guy still running off of a VCR for his movies? Chance is he hasn’t been to Blockbuster lately. He may not be into movies, but keep searching for more clues. Hint — Hit the eject button!

What? Who still goes to Blockbuster? People on the cutting edge go with digital downloads or with a service like Netflix. Blockbuster is history.

– Picture Frames: See pictures of his parents and you’ll know he is a family man. See pictures of his niece or nephews, then kids are probably top of mind. See single females, then you might be in trouble.

What amazes me is instead of psychoanalyzing, if woman would just ASK directly they would get a solid answer.

– Little Blue Pills: These are hardly an issue, but it’s good to know up front if you man might be needing a little extra help.

I’m not going there.

– Multiple Brown Prescription Bottles: Like with most guys, these medicines have probably been sitting there for the past five years. Even though they are expired, they provide a health history that only seconds his doctor’s records. Watch out for names like Valtrex since there may be something more lurking beneath his skin.

So they find your health history through your bottles? Lovely.

– Nose Hair Trimmer: Good hygiene is important so if he is trimming his nose hair, he is probably taking care of all the other important parts too. .

I’m not going there either.

– Candles: This guy is a romantic if you see candles. Check to see if the wicks are used heavily since this is a telltale sign he might entertain often. Hint — Guys aren’t lighting candles when home alone.

God, I hate the candle routine. Candles are good when there is no electricity. Bah.

– Plants: Hopefully, his vegetation isn’t “flora silka” since fake plants translate into LAZY. Live plants or no plants are better than fake. And whose lobby did he steal that plant from anyway?

I have never met a guy who said, “OMG, I need a plant of my apartment. Oh noes, I must have a plant immediately.” If we don’t live in our apartments like most women, then there ‘is something wrong with us’.

– Picture Books: Now these books don’t exactly tell you what he likes because they’re probably just for show. If he has anything at all, it’s a sign that he wants to impress whoever it is that comes to his place.

This is actually the first good note in this article. A common Speed Seduction tactic was to make a picture book to ‘show’ a woman just how adventuresome he is (or to attempt to tell her that). Naturally, the article writer says the guy is trying to ‘impress’ her rather than ‘brainwash’ her. The article writer is correct on this. Women love the speed seducers because she holds so much power over them.

– Hangers: You know you shouldn’t, but you want to peek inside. Wood hangers are a sure sign of a man who takes pride in his appearance since he doesn’t chance clothes to flimsy wire hangers..

Yes, gentlemen! Your life shall now be defined by hangers that are in your closet!

– Dress Clothes: Not all guys wear suits, but they all don’t show up to the office in hiking gear either. The finer the clothes the better chance his job treats him well — very well.

Judging by clothes is nothing new. Let us move on… 

– Shoes: Hopefully, his shoes aren’t all over the closet floor. And why are ladies eyes always drawn to a man’s shoes in the first place? You know what to look for so just check it off of your “Mr. Right” inventory review.

Happily, my shoes are all over my closet floor. I am not going to buy some frilly shoe house just so my shoes can live there while they live fine and well in the closet anyway.

– Books, Books & More Books: The best way to find out what his interests are is through what he reads — provided it’s not Maxim.

The library does not define the man. I have so many books sitting there that were gifts from relatives. Just because you own books doesn’t mean you read them. For evidence, just go through any English professor’s office.

– Alarm Clock: What time is the alarm set for? Remember the early bird always catches the worm. 10AM? Move on fast!

What if he is rich? Alas!

– Inside the Drawer: You knew I was saving this for last. Well this is one place you can’t go. You opened the forbidden medicine cabinet … you even opened his closet door. But this is the one place that is his and only his. So respect him and, if you end up spending the night, you’ll soon find out what’s inside but I’m not telling you.

You cannot respect someone by psychoanalyzing him.

What to learn from this? Anti-Dump said, “When a woman tells you how men should be, stick your finger into the light socket.” After all, it is just as productive.

Remember the first Pookish commandment. BE WHO YOU ARE. It is up to YOU to define your life, not any woman. If you are going to live your single life with woman telling you everything to do, then you might as well be married.