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Hello, Pook’s Mill readers! We have acknowledged that many of you have not been saving kittens from nasty feminists (hence, your refusal of marrying them). Perhaps if you allow me a moment, I may rekindle your heart and cast it not to love feminists but to save the kittens.

When you say that feminists are evil and mean, we do not disagree. Indeed, Nature spitting out such an abomination as the feminist frightens even the philosophers (who only tend to frighten themselves). But, do keep in mind; Nature did not create the feminist as the feminist emerged from a decay of isolated female debris. This female debris, totally left alone by worthwhile males, was made easy plucking from unworthy males who saw these girls as merely holes to fill. This is shocking…oh yes. But after a few wham, bam, and thank you, ma’ams, the female debris puffs with rage and wounded pride.

As you may have observed, feminists project their own failings and desires at us, the champion men. With devilish tongues wagging to shame us for their own transgressions, we are condemned of sins worst than a Barbaros. It is feminists who need to get laid. It is feminists who want power over their husband. It is feminists who are bitter and cold. It is feminists who have no faith in love. When a woman accuses of sexual harassment, she is the one who desires it. When a woman is obsessed with talking about men taking all the money and the power, the very things she desires are money and power.

All men are flung onto a scale with the difference being how much you are brainwashed. On one end of the scale is ‘lots of sex and no guilt,’ i.e. the home of the Jerk and their ringleader: the monstrous Pook, and on the other end of the scale is ‘no sex but lots of guilt,’ i.e. the home of the Nice Guy and their ringleader: the pleasant and pure Anti-Pook. The amount of guilt you feel with women correlates to the amount of sex and interesting life you have.

Sirs, we cannot have men living for pleasure these days! Who would pay the taxes needed for the medical care of fat people and the retirement for the Baby Boom (and those on failing pensions)? Therefore, I ask you do the following:

First, ignore everything Pook says. He is a monster. 

Second, fill your mind with guilt. Become guilty…over everything. When you wake up, apologize to the nearest woman. You do not need a reason as she will accept the apology without question. Apologize that you are a man. Apologize that you have an Adam’s apple. And then, apologize that you didn’t apologize sooner.

Third, become convinced that manly pleasure is decadence. Competition, testosterone, sex, genius, and the humanities- these are to be your new sources of sin. Your new virtues shall include domestication, appeasement, spinelessness, lack of sex, estrogen, and, in general, the will to obey anything with a vagina.

You may ask, “Why ought I to give up my spine? Why should I hang my testicles on her mantle?” Sir, you know not what you do! By being a man, you leave the feminists to fester alone. What they always do is buy a cat, sometimes multiple cats. Have you seen what happens to these poor cats after living with a feminist?

Yes, it is shocking. We must put an end to the suffering to our little felines. I ask you to marry the feminists! 

What! You do not readily accept? Oh, you think that YOU will be howling just like that kitty? Well then! Do not despair as we will so toxify your brain with brain washing that you sit through the marriage with a dumb smile on your face…a smile of a drugged man. It will not be a smile of passion, of pure pleasure of living. It will be the smile of a sap.

 You ask the cost of this brainwashing that will make feminists become appealing? This is the only little hitch. It will cost you your soul. Yes, it is unfortunate, but we really need you to marry these feminists.

Hurry, then, to your nearest brainwashing center…I mean Academic University! Enroll in the Feminist Studies or perhaps almost anything in the Humanities. Read how men kept the poor women down back then and even today. Know how barbaric testosterone is. Stop eating meat as that only creates more testosterone. Watch Opera and daytime TV. Attend the Landmark Forum.

Once you are sufficiently brainwashed, you will look at the FAT, WHALE-like, and POWER- HUNGRY feminist and smile with delight. All your brainwashing will tell you that THIS is the ‘ideal woman.’ She will look at you, worthwhile male, and say, “What!? Not a movie star or a millionaire? Not good enough!” But, within time, she might come to appreciate you. …Might.

But while you are marrying the feminists, we will free the cats. Marry the feminists not to help them but to save the cats. Do it…for the kittens. Marry a feminist today!

And, behold, how happy these saved kitty kats became!